A lot of people have heard of boundaries, but few know how to use them correctly. As a result, people are often unsure of why they should set, how to set, and how to enforce boundaries. If this sounds like you, today you’re in for a treat! I have written this brief article for you so that you can learn the basics of setting healthy boundaries to help you transform your life. Let’s get into it…
Boundaries: What Are They?
Boundaries are imaginary fences that separate your space, feelings and needs from someone else’s. The purpose of boundaries is to establish fair rules for daily engagement in your relationships and life in general. As a result, you and your relationships are healthier and happier.
Though “boundaries” may sound like a rigid separation between you and another person, good boundaries are often flexible and promote more fulfilling relationships. If boundaries are not flexible, they can drive people away and cause resentment. For this reason, boundaries should be flexible.
Here are the most important features of boundaries:
- They should be Flexible
- They are meant to Protect your well-being
- They Act as rules of engagement for your relationships
- They’re meant to be a Negotiation between two or more people
Types of Boundaries
Different types of boundaries apply to specific situations. Here are the six types of boundaries:
Material boundaries relate to your physical property, such as a car or a book. They determine how you interact, lend, or sell your property to other people.
Physical boundaries relate to space, privacy, and body. They determine things like who you feel comfortable hugging or how loud you want your roommate to play their music.
Mental boundaries relate to your thoughts, values, and opinions. They allow you not to get angry whenever someone disagrees with you but to listen to them and then share your thoughts.
Emotional boundaries: distinguish your emotions from someone else’s and force you to take responsibility for your own emotions.
Sexual boundaries: allow you to feel comfortable and safe during sexual touches and activities. They determine what, where, when, and with whom you have sexual interactions.
Spiritual boundaries: involve your beliefs in God or another higher power. They also determine how you interact with people of different beliefs daily.
Benefits of Setting Boundaries
There are several positive benefits of setting boundaries. Let us check out a few.
Improves relationships
Boundaries are a great way to prevent relationships from becoming unsafe or uncomfortable. They pull people together instead of pushing them apart.
Improves self-esteem
At the same time, boundaries boost self-esteem because they require you to prioritise yourself. When you prioritise yourself, your self-esteem and confidence will naturally increase.
Conserves emotional energy
Throughout the day, emotional energy can dwindle until you feel as though you have no energy left. Boundaries are a great way to conserve emotional energy. They are designed to create space for you to care for yourself first and foremost and recognise when you need to pause.
Allows you to be your most authentic self
Additionally, boundaries allow you to be your most authentic self. This is because boundaries require you to prioritise your desires and needs. As a result, you become comfortable with who you are without fear of pleasing someone else.
Set realistic expectations with clear directions
Boundaries set realistic expectations with clear directions for you and your loved ones. Often, fights happen because of a misunderstanding or differing expectations.
Signs You May Need More Boundaries
For many people, they are entirely unaware that they need boundaries at all. As a result, they fail to set up boundaries but continue to live in a cycle of guilt, anxiety, and people-pleasing. Here are signs that you may need boundaries in your life:
You have tumultuous relationships
If you feel that your relationships are constantly tricky and dramatic, you may need boundaries. Without boundaries, relationships can become emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically or sexually overwhelming. This is because the relationship has no clear foundation for behaviour do’s and don’ts.
You do not like making decisions
If you have a severe problem with making decisions in life, you may need boundaries. More specifically, you need boundaries if you cannot make decisions because you are more worried about what other people want than what you want.
You are a people-pleaser (Fawning)
If you spend your life living to please others, you need more boundaries. Though people-pleasing is not always bad, it harms your well-being if it infringes on your life too much. You need boundaries if you are more worried about letting people down than yourself.
You feel guilty and anxious a lot
Do you ever feel guilty or anxious whenever someone else is not happy? If so, you may need to set boundaries for yourself and others. Guilt is healthy whenever you are in the wrong, but you should not feel guilty or responsible for someone else’s emotions or mistakes.
Setting Boundaries
If you are new to setting boundaries, you might find setting boundaries to be awkward, uncomfortable, and challenging. If this is the case for you, you are not alone. Most people find setting boundaries extremely difficult because it takes some practice to get the hang of it. Here is how you can set boundaries to live a healthier and happier life.
Get The Right Motivation
The first step to setting healthy boundaries is to have the right motivation. Many people assume that boundaries are about controlling or constraining another person. This is simply not true. In contrast, setting boundaries is about self-respect and self-love, and it’s also about creating the healthiest relationships possible.
So, before defining your boundaries, ensure you only set boundaries out of respect for yourself and your relationships. If you are setting boundaries to control someone, stop immediately and work through whatever issues you are having. You should never want to control or constrain another person via your boundaries.
Define Boundaries
Once you have the right motivation for your boundaries, it is time to define them. In other words, it’s time to determine what your boundaries are and who they apply to. This step can be challenging and fun at the same time.
Begin by thinking about your rights and values in life. Your rights include the behaviour and actions that you are entitled to receive. They also show how you are entitled to respond to specific scenarios.
For example, you have a right to be treated with respect. You also have the right to say no without guilt or to hold someone accountable when they disrespect your boundaries.
Additionally, think about values. What values in life do you cherish the most? Are there any times that you feel your values are tarnished or disrespected? Make a note of those instances in your head.
Communicate Boundaries
Arguably, the most essential aspect of setting boundaries is communicating them clearly and respectfully. If you do not communicate your boundaries, then people cannot possibly respect them. You must make those around you aware of your boundaries so that they can be held accountable.
The best way to communicate your boundaries is assertively but respectfully. You need to be assertive when describing or explaining your boundaries. Use “I” statements to make your communication more active and decrease the chances of the other party becoming defensive.
For example, you can say, “I feel disrespected when …” instead of “You make me feel disrespected when…” by making the subject of the sentence “I,” you make the statement more active and take responsibility for your emotions.
In addition to being assertive, you must be respectful to the other person. You are equally as important as them, not more important than them. For this reason, you need to speak with them respectfully and kindly. Not only are they entitled to this sort of communication, but it will also make them more likely to respect your boundaries.
Expect To Have Pushback
If the other person truly cares about you, they will probably try to respect your boundaries to the best of their abilities. Unfortunately, there are instances when people may push back against your boundaries. People may push back when your boundaries contradict theirs or when they want to control you or the situation.
Here is what to do when you experience pushback:
Be Prepared
The first step in responding to pushback is being prepared for it. There are several ways that people may push back against your boundaries, and it is important to be aware of what different pushback tactics look like.
Someone might push back against your boundaries by trying to control you or the situation. When someone tries to control you, they may resist your boundary by physically challenging you, changing other people’s opinions of you, or anything else that results in controlling the situation.
Sometimes, controlling people may become dangerous or physically violent. In this scenario, remove yourself immediately and protect yourself.
Another way that someone might disrespect your boundary is by trying to intimidate you to get you back off your boundary. This person might intimidate you by trying to make you feel as though you are being unreasonable. They can do this through gaslighting, arguing, or anything else that makes you think you are not worth respecting.
When someone tries to intimidate you, remember to stand your ground and not back down. Remember that you are not being unreasonable by expecting to be respected.
The third and most common way people push back against boundaries is by guilting you into lessening your boundaries. This is by far the most frequent and effective pushback method. When someone tries to guilt you, remember that you have a right to your boundaries and should not feel guilty for respecting them.
What To Do
When you detect someone pushing back against your boundaries, there are a couple of things you can do. First, begin by restating your boundary and trying to explain why the boundary is there. Often, people push back against boundaries when they misunderstand the boundary or its purpose. Try to resolve any misunderstandings first.
If there are no misunderstandings and the person is still uncomfortable with your boundary, talk to them about it. There might be a very logical reason why they do not want to respect your boundaries. Try to learn how they are feeling, just as you would want them to learn how you are feeling.
From there, see if there is a way to compromise. As we have discussed, boundaries do not need to be rigid. See if there is any little room for both parties. Often, people will respond positively to the idea of a compromise because it shows that you are respecting yourself and them simultaneously.
If you and the other person cannot come to a compromise, do not remove your boundary. Simply enforce whatever consequence you decide for that boundary and move on with your life.
Final Thoughts
As you can tell from above, boundaries are a great way to keep you and your relationships happier and healthier. When setting your boundaries, remember to be patient with yourself and those around you. It will take a bit of time to learn the best ways to enforce them, and it will take more effort for people to learn them.
Just remember to be kind and respectful to yourself and those around you. If you do these things, you are bound to establish healthy and successful boundaries that are also respected, and you’ll be able to live a transformed life.
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